Are you lost, too?

While we are stuck in the darkness, we can either choose to be consumed by it and morph into a forever-shadow or turn to the light and let those shards illuminate all we have become (Um, maybe I didn't mean to sound like Batman or some superhero from DC or Marvel comics, well it's still philosophical and meaningful!)  Ponder life!  I've had the darkness swallow me whole leaving me trapped in complete blindness and oblivion.  Some days I do not think I can find a way out.  I cling to hope as its my security blanket though it's torn because I've clung to it with clenched fists for far too long.

I just feel like a lost, weary soul overcome with absolute bitterness and rage.  I do not express these feelings to anyone as most people just see me as an eternally optimistic and joyful person.  They-are-so-wrong.  I do not blame them though, as introverted as I am, I cannot open up to strangers.  I only let out my thoughts to those I know I can relate to and I can trust fully.  How many people do you know you can trust (fully)?  I know the numbers dwindle as we get older.  People run and tell your secrets, especially the dark ones.  Does it make them feel better to do so?  I don't agree with finding someone "less fortunate" than you in whatever circumstance health, finances, education and then thinking you have it "all the better".  How do we even know?  Do we live in that person's head?  I pity no one except maybe myself.  I want to help those further themselves along a path, but I am so lost myself.

When can I return?  Maybe I can't.  Maybe it's best I leave-I flee-unknown origin.  Oh, but I fall off the face of the Earth and this Earthbound-map quite often.  But...I've always been right where I've been.  HERE.  This time, I am HERE. 

Please don't wait for anyone to help you.  You are capable of helping yourself.  Love yourself to pieces.  If no one will love you, it's not your fault, but if you can love yourself...despite all the flaws and imperfections (we all have them).  Please LOVE YOURSELF.  Not in a narcissistic manner.  Accept yourself for who you are right now.  Identify flaws and areas needed of improvement.  Try to improve these if they are detrimental.  If you can do this, you aren't narcissistic.  If you think yourself already perfect, then...there's an error in thinking.  We are all blind.  Think of how much knowledge there is in the world.  Which would you choose to impart?  Which would you choose to ignore?  "Scire" = latin word for "to know".  Again, what do we even know?  Empiricism tells us things.  We experience life so subjectively though.  Is me seeing blue the same as your blue?  What if how I see red?  Is your red the same as my red? 

Do you ever feel like you aren't human or don't belong to your own genus/species?  Such an alien.  Remember to sing love songs to yourself because no one else is probably writing them about you (at least not to me).  Or, sing to others, sing them a love song-platonic or romantic.  If you can't sing, write them a poem, write them a letter.  Anyone.  A stranger, a friend, a family member.  We are all lacking love.  We have become disconnected and I'm afraid reconnecting would cause too much awareness. 

I want to love and love without bounds.  An acceptance that is incomprehensible.  Wrap my brain around everything.  Too know to much is to know too little.  To know too little is to be blissfully unaware.  If my mind would shut off...well, I know it won't.  I experience the thoughts of far too much.  Why do I over-complicate things?  I have always realized that I have complex circuitry that seeks the MOST complex answer for things instead of going for the simple.  Is anyone else this way?  Is this detrimental?  Of course, the simplest answer isn't always right but it's what most people choose to go with.  Am I detail-oriented?  These are things I question.  Ugh, I haven't the time to explain much more than more ramblings.  Let me dig up some insightful quote today.  Thinking.  1-2-3...

I think this may be why we become lost, the things we love may be strange to others (especially if they are careers or hobbies which will not allow us to accumulate wealth or status, hence why they are viewed strange).  Pursue them anyways, you will feel better doing things you love instead of soul-sucking labor.  Easier said than done, I know.  But this is just wisdom I pass down to you from almost three decades of living.  I remember a nurse who worked in palliative care (I believe it was a nurse) who listened to the regrets of those who were dying.  One of the regrets was "I wish I would have chosen not to work so much."  There you go, wisdom from the dying.  Let us live freely (but we still must meet the basic necessities so either join a commune or find something you are at least remotely interested in doing if you can't get to *quite* the career path you want to right now.  Things will come in time..and with effort.  I forgot to mention that things require time+effort+a little bit of luck/unknown forces on your side.  There really is no recipe for success sometimes.  Ehh, we all veer paths or get lost in our path.  Some people may never find a true calling, but in hobbies you can sometimes fulfill part of yourself.  Just remember, if no one loves you, I love you.  If you feel broken or discarded, don't feel that way.  Don't let others make you feel that way.  Self-compassion.  Don't be too hard on yourself.  Try some meditation and don't be consumed by those negative thoughts that run through our minds like a cross-country runner desperately trying to reach that finish line first.  You don't have to be the first to reach the finish line.  You can be the very last, but you still have accomplished making it to that finish line.  Well...the finish line in life is often called death but let's forget that for a moment.  The finish line is now you trying to find you.  Write out five words that describe you (please positive ones only).  If you are having trouble, find a thesaurus or a website listing personality traits and see which ones best define you.  This is a good exercise.  Here are my five:
1. Adaptable
2. Compassionate
3. Nonjudgmental
4. Inquisitive/Curious
5. Good-natured (well, most of the time)

Now, you try!  Self-reflection is good!  Let me end on a whim, once again.

Word of the Day: Insouciant-free from concern or worry, indifferent (this can be positive or negative, I suppose)

Song of the Day: "I am Stretched on Your Grave" by Abney Park (yes, I loved Dead Can Dance's version, and that was the first version of the song I ever heard.  Sinead O'Connor also made a version of the song which is quite good as well)  However, Abney Park does a remarkable cover of it that really releases the raw emotion found in the lyrics.  If you're curious to know what the theme of the song is, it is about a young boy mourning the death of a girl he fell deeply in love with as a child.  He is so stricken by her death that he visits her grave nearly every chance he can get because he does not want her to be alone in that grave.  He cannot come to grips with the idea of dying (which leads me to believe this is the first death he may have experienced) and almost treats the girl as if she were still alive in that grave.  It is the MOST romantic song I think I have ever heard albeit morbid.

SCIENCE!: http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2015/09/150908135141.htm
Neuroscience is under-studied and I appreciate those who devote their lives to unwiring or rewiring the circuitry in our brains.  It can both be used for good or bad but it's amazing how much we do not know how the most significant organ in our body works.  Switching synapses to change behavior you say?  Hmm...Would this trump psychology's CBT if it were furthered?  I hope this is studied in other labs, too.  It would be nice to break out of self-destructive behavior but again, these things must be used for positive purposes and nothing diabolical. 

Truly.
-G

Divergence in Question

I feel quite a bit like this photo I took (Youngstown how I love you in all your broken  beauty): paths diverging.  What path to go down? (Metaphorically I am like that abandoned train; left on the tracks, stalled, violated by outsiders...maybe I'm riddled with so much regret that I can't seem to further myself).

I've always enjoyed this quote from Alice in Wonderland about being indecisive.  When you truly don't know about something it renders it useless.  Does it matter where you end up if you aren't cognizant of where your ultimate destination is?  I don't think it does.  Indecisiveness can be helpful in some ways in that it's like you're clay that can be molded, reshaped, made into something beautiful.  Or maybe you've just become so far lost that no matter what path you choose, you just keep walking aimlessly.  Please let me hit some goals/strides.  I really need to reframe my thoughts and thinking. 

Word of the Day: Defenestration
Song of the Day: "Thanks for Everything" by Dismantled (Gary Zon's lyrics are always quite cynical/biting but I enjoy them when in the mood)

SCIENCE! http://news.sciencemag.org/biology/2015/08/gut-microbes-linked-eye-disease
Because now you can fear that gut microbes are invading your eyes.  You're welcome.

Prima Scriptura

It's difficult to describe all that I want to encompass in a first post.  Generally, I would go off on many tangents/ramblings as I feel necessary though I need to be more cohesive and coherent.  Sidenote: isn't it lovely how google has a monopoly on the internet?  Everything has to be linked to your gmail account.  I am NOT a fan of this.  It is what it is though as I don't necessarily have the overwhelming need to want to host my own site for blogging purposes.

This entire blog will be dedicated to my ramblings and innermost thoughts as I have much I need to get out and due to a recent accident, I've been having trouble verbalizing my thoughts and feelings.  I figure this will give me a springboard to clear my head space in all that I'm thinking.  I will update on daily activities as well but those have been few and far between since the accident...

I know the resiliency of the human body and mind are greatly admirable but there are physical and mental states that sometimes cannot be overcome.  I do not want to be pessimistic.  I will fight the fight even if it leaves me mentally drained and exhausted each day.  I will not be a statistic or fall victim to negative past behaviors.  This is overwhelming, yes, but it's a journey that I want to chronicle and let everyone know about.  The details will be vague at first but I will open up more to what has happened during my 28 years of life and how I've made multiple mistakes but now seek to live a pure and fulfilling existence (the term pure is relative to who is reading this but I mean pure in the sense of not constraining myself to negative outside influences or following false constructs).

You will learn more about me as my daily narratives unfold...I am not this serious in real life, I promise.  In essence, I just want to chronicle what I am doing at the moment so I have concrete evidence of how I'm progressing daily.  Also, there are things I do not want to forget so having them here will prove helpful even when I'm in a helpless circumstance.

Word of the Day: sanguine (which is probably the opposite of what I am right now, that's okay)
Song of the Day: "Asleep" by The Smiths (melancholic but I think Morrissey describes the human condition all too well)
Currently reading: The Righteous Mind: Why Good People Are Divided by Politics and Religion by Jonathan Haidt


My concept of word of the day comes from my logophilia (or love of words).
http://www.houghtonmifflinbooks.com/booksellers/press_release/100wordlovers/

SCIENCE!  This is about hair analysis/evidence and how people get wrongly convicted by the FBI because they did not use the science behind it properly (Do you wonder how many wrongly convicted murderers are behind bars right now?  I do):
http://america.aljazeera.com/watch/shows/fault-lines/2015/8/under-the-microscope-the-fbi-hair-cases.html